Suicidal but afraid you won’t go to paradise in the afterlife if you kill yourself? Get your teenager to kill you in your sleep! Just follow these simple steps:

1. Go to class with your teen. Sit at the front of the room in the big red chair facing the students. Wave and say, “I LOVE YOU, [Child's name]!” Be sure to say their name so everyone knows who you’re talking to.

2. If female teen, bring “girlie products” to her in front of her friends. Hold them up and ask if they’re the right ones, making sure everyone can see. If male teen, hold up a child’s jock strap in front of his friends and ask if it’s his or his dad’s. Answer yourself with, “Never mind, your dad’s is bigger.”

3. While your teen has friends over, walk into your bedroom, moan loudly and start banging the bed against the wall. They’ll think you’re just wrestling with yourself or spouse, right?

4. Show up to a community function or school event with a pair of boxers on your head.

5. Go shopping with your teen and reenact scenes from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. You’re the hunchback.

6. Meet your teen at a community function or school event with the highest heels you can find and makeup so thick you have to apply it with a trowel. Works best if you’re male, but works for women, too.

Disclaimer: May cause teen to die of embarrassment instead. Do this at your own risk!

Any other ideas? Lemme know!